When I was a teenager and young adult I enjoyed listening to friends and family talk for long periods. I indulged in the intricacies of their stories, emotions, struggles and celebrations. This was one of the ways I gave, a lot.
Then I met my husband and we had our kids. I gave so much to the family that I gave away a few of my unique characteristic traits (like being wild and joyfully loud at the most unexpected times). I did this unconsciously as I thought it was more culturally acceptable. This was not good for my happiness.
Starting my business when the boys were young required a massive amount of giving…to the point of being spread dangerously thin. I gave so much to my clients that it ate into my marriage, time with kids and sometimes took big bites out of my personal time.
I stopped going to health professionals for self care. The pain and discomfort could wait. I lowered my personal fun meter down “until the work load eased.” Fun is all good you know but “work comes first.” I felt very uncomfortable spending money on myself, because I’d grown up thinking that others could enjoy luxuries but I should be thankful with little…you know, be grateful for what you have. If you aren’t, then you’re entitled, stuck up, self centered.
I thought I had to always be the listener, the giver. I thought I had to conform to who others felt I should be. I thought giving up my time and family time was somehow heroic. Then they would love me, right?
The Eye Opener
One day a particularly talkative friend would not stop talking. After a while I felt my “listening skills” were being taken advantage of, that I wasn’t being shown respect. I tried to make some space in the conversation to be heard but she was oblivious to my efforts.
This was when I decided that it is important to not over-give at the expense of my happiness. And that respecting myself comes in different forms. Respecting myself means letting others give good things to me and allowing me to give myself good things.
Ways I Gave To Myself:
Let others buy me beautiful, expensive things if they want to.
Let others ask ME the questions.
Accept invitations to fun events (without doubting that they must have made a mistake in inviting me).
Let others give when they want to (instead of always being the “giver”)
Give myself permission to talk longer than I usually do.
Accepted the fact that I’m awesome whether or not others think it, which allowed me to reclaim my mental space and spend less of it worrying what others might think.
This giving to myself required a change in beliefs
My voice, celebrations and frustrations are worthy of being listened to as well
I am important
It is ok to desire
To desire is healthy
I am lovable and people do love me deeply
Letting love in (not just giving it away all the time) will fill me up
My weird and wonderful differences should be celebrated and kept alive no matter what others may think of me
It’s important that I be me so others are freed up to be themselves
I am worthy of spending money on
I am worthy and capable of making great money
It’s good to make a substantial income
I realized that my default state is wonderful, worthy of love, time, money, etc. My value doesn’t depend on the acceptance of others. How about you? How do you over-give? What do you think that over-giving is saying about what you believe? There’s a lesson in it. I’d love to hear yours!
For more strategies to Boost Wealth, Health and Happiness visit www.amyenglemark.com. To contact Amy directly email coacha@amyenglemark.com.