I was having an emotional conversation with a family member last year. He was upset with me and felt I’d been selfish, uncaring and unkind because of a decision I’d made.
I started thinking, “I shouldn’t speak up or stand up for my feelings or needs. I shouldn’t say no, shouldn’t have boundaries. That’s mean.”
Then I proceeded to take responsibility for his feelings. What a bad idea. I felt horrible. My heart began to ache. “It’s my fault. If he’s upset, I must have done something wrong.”
Does this sound familiar? It’s called, The Blame Game. Anytime someone is unhappy with something you’ve done or said, you assume it’s your fault.
You think you cause stress. You think you’re the reason that that other person is consistently crabby.
This is like saying, other people aren’t responsible for or have no control over their feelings. They’re not responsible for their perception. They’re not responsible if they choose to become offended. They’re not responsible to use their self control.
To play the Blame Game and win The Badge Of Guilt And Shame you must play by the rules. Here they are below.
- Stifle your needs in case they upset someone at home or at work
- Make assumptions about others feelings instead of getting curious and finding out the truth
- Pretend you have the superpower to control other people’s feelings and reactions
- Don’t evaluate beliefs prior to making decisions
- Assume the worst case scenario is going to happen
- Believe your fears – you’ll never be able to handle the conflict you assume will happen
- Make decisions to please others
- Judge yourself harshly when someone is unhappy with you
- Receive guilt and shame freely, without question
The conversation I had that day was like a pill I swallowed without question for a disease I never had. It was an eye opener to be much more self aware, to have clear boundaries and only take responsibility for what’s mine to carry.
You are responsible for your own feelings, attitude, behaviors and daily responsibilities. You are not responsible for others happiness, reactions and feelings. This awareness lifts the weight of blame we can put on ourselves that we were never meant to carry.
Ask yourself these questions to end the blame game:
Is that assumption true?
What am I responsible for and what is in my control?
Is it my problem? If so…What could I do to improve the situation?
Ask others these questions:
I’m curious how you feel about this. Can you fill me in?
I get the feeling you might be upset. Can you tell me more about it?
What would help us get past this? (Attention becomes focused on the solution)
With Love,
Amy
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