I was recently asked by a doctor in one of my groups I coach, “How do I let go of control and not feel overwhelmed?” First off, my answer to this would be that to let go of control, you first need to understand the reason letting go is so difficult is a matter of perspective.
Your perspective depends on your beliefs about yourself and your situation.
If it’s difficult for you to let go of control you might be believing one of the following statements.
It’s better when I do it.
I can’t trust other people to do it the way it should be done.
I know the best way (to get it done/the situation should turn out/to clean the house/how long the project should take/how my career should look right now).
Your beliefs control your behavior and make it difficult or easier to let go of control. The second thing that can make if difficult to let go of control is when you make up stories.
Stories you might be making up in your head
Someone will die if I take the time to go to the bathroom
Someone will die (me included) if I don’t try and make them happy
Someone will die if I take this call from my sick family member
Colleagues will judge me (and I won’t be able to handle their criticism) if I make a decision that would make ME happy and calm.
The house will fall apart and my friends will judge me if we don’t clean every ______(x # of days)
I’ll get sued if I tell this patient “it’s not medically necessary to get that blood test.”
People will leave me if I don’t ________ (do this).
I’ll stress my husband/wife out by asking for help so I won’t
Letting go of control can be hard when you fear the worst will happen.
It’s natural to feel insecure when you don’t know how a situation will turn out. I’ve felt insecure in my business many times (which has made me frustrated, sad and wanting to control the situation). I’ve felt insecure in my marriage when we’ve faced struggles. At those times I remember becoming defensive or clamming up instead of staying open.
Remember, you’re no stranger to feeling insecure. So, you’ve dealt with it before. This means you can handle it. You can handle feeling insecure without needing to “fix” it.
These are the stages I go through when I feel the urge to control the situation, a person, a project, you name it.
- Feel Insecure or afraid (often subconsciously)
- Make up a story
- Choose (will I trust that everything will work out or act out of fear?)
- Ask for help (*Side note: Asking for help is a sign of strength and confidence). Ask for help from others and Someone Greater/Something Greater/God/Whatever you call that
- Practice letting go of control in a small way
- Remember what I can and can’t control
- Uplevel my boundaries. Where do I need to be more flexible in my life and where do I need to stop settling?
If you’ve been trying to control your life or others lives for quite some time, your “control” muscle could feel stuck, like a clenched fist. Keep it clenched and you forget things are ok when you open your hands and loosen your grasp.
Letting go of control allows you to feel much more calm and at peace. Don’t believe me? Try letting go. Not just once, a few times. Also, remind yourself that perfection is not the aim of life and there’s not only one way of creating successful outcomes.
Like one of my clients said, “Before I felt out of control and wanted to control everything. I was frustrated. I felt I would let everybody down. Now I’m aware of what I can control and what I can’t. I’m more open to other people’s contributions. Sometimes it gets done better when someone else does it. It’s amazing what gets done when you open your mind!”
When you read the beliefs and stories above, where could you see yourself? Where did you resonate? I’d love to hear one insight you took away from this. Would you share it with me?
Warmly,
Amy
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