We are told that loving others the way we love ourselves is a wise way to live.  This statement implies that self love is necessary if we want to love others to the same degree.  We are not told to love or care for others more than ourselves.  True, being selfless and generous people is something to aim for, but we are not to shove ourselves under the door mat and say, “Come in!  Walk all over me.  I live to please you.”

Your Decisions Make An Impact

It’s important that you consider how your decisions will impact those around you.  Though, when you make my decisions motivated by fear instead of love, you’re in trouble.  When you care more about others welfare than your own, you are throwing your boundaries out the window.  You are basicly living your life to please others, lest they leave you.  You wouldn’t dare think of making a decision that would make them angry or make them withdraw their love from you.  Never!

Have you ever wondered why some people have no problem drawing their boundary lines by saying “no” or “yes”?  These are the people who are not afraid if they make someone upset or withdrawn.  These people are comfortable saying “I love you and I don’t want to do that” in the same sentence.  They know that saying ‘no’ has nothing to do with how much they love the person they’re talking to.

Where Do Your Boundary Lines Lay?

I feel like saying ‘no’ has come easy to me.  I’m not quite sure why that is.  It could be that I don’t like be pushed over.  Rather, I have worked at and come a long way in the area of taking others into consideration.  There was one instance when I was younger, I distinctly remember not voicing my ‘no’ because I thought it would disapoint my dad or somehow be socially unacceptable.  That memory has stuck with me.  I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to give a kiss to a family friend when I was saying hello.  I went against my will and better judgement and decided not to stand up for myself.  Had I thought my dad would have supported my decision I probably would have said ‘no thanks.’  Don’t get me wrong, he was a great dad.  I just may have benefited from knowing where my boundary lines were.  Communicating with him about my feelings probably would have helped me in that situation!

That was a learning lesson for me.  I use that instance as a boundary line when I think about my physical space.

We need to know as adults that others opinions are important but not important enough to dictate how our lives should look.  Your decision as to where you will go on vacation may be dictated by the guilt of boundaryless individuals.  Your failure to exercise might be due to feeling like a selfish or irresponsible parent for leaving your kids with a sitter when you could be ‘taking care of your own kids.’  Maybe you feel uncomfortable during your childs sports game because both you and your partner are in attendance.  You feel others might think one of you should be working otherwise you’re lazy.  What about those of you who volunteer for every job or say yes to all your friends requests for help.  Do you feel like you can earn love?  Do you think your friends, boss, partner or kids will stop loving you if you stop being agreeing all the time?

You CAN Change

Whether your desire to please others stems from family issues, traumatic experiences or you are simply more prone to it due to your personality, you can change now.  Now, the present, is a beautiful place to be.  You can choose new ways of thinking that support new decisions and therefore a new life.  This may sound simple but it takes practice.  Just like tying your shoes.  Choosing new ways of thinking strengthens new muscles in your brain.   They’re there.  They just haven’t been used for a while.  We all have them.  We have great capacity within us for change.

I like what Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend write in their book, “Boundaries.”

You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger.

In Part Two of this series I will show you:

How saying no improves your relationships

How you can start living life motivated by love rather than by fear (of what others will think or how they may respond)

What decisions have you been putting off due to your fear of what others might think?  How would saying no more often improve your life and relationships?  I’d love to hear from you!  Leave a comment.  Like the post on Facebook and Twitter.  Share this post with your friends!  Don’t forget, like my business page.  We can connect over there.  I’d love to meet you 🙂

Keep Shining!

Amy